Marry or move on!
Lilly interviews Bridget Matloff from 'The Ultimatum: Queer Love' season 2.
It’s not an uncommon scenario: Your partner wants to get married, and you don’t. According to one study from Pew Research Center, 47% of adults who cohabitate with their partners and want to get married someday cite their partner not being ready for the commitment as the reason they are not engaged. It’s an understandable predicament; marriage can be messy, legally entangling the finances, families, and futures of two people in a way that simply cohabitating doesn’t. But what can you do if your partner is stuck on signing the papers and wearing the ring? That’s the question that Netflix’s reality show The Ultimatum and its spinoff series The Ultimatum: Queer Love hopes to answer.
The premise: Long-term couples facing this impasse sign up to go on the show (each participant is dubbed either an “Ultimatum Giver” or an “Ultimatum Receiver”), “break up” with their partner on day one, choose another partner to go through a three-week “trial marriage” with, and then swap back to their original partner for another three-week trial. At the end, they decide if they want to “marry or move on” (the show’s catchphrase).
Bridget Matloff — a contestant on season 2 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love, which aired over the last few weeks — never pictured herself going on reality TV, much less a dating show. The only reality show she’s ever seriously watched was Survivor, and she’s never aspired to join the reality start-to-influencer pipeline.
Her partner Kyle Neal, who appeared with her on the show, is the one who brought up the idea. Neal has always seen herself getting married, while Matloff never saw the appeal. Matloff didn’t love the idea of being on reality TV, but she had a soft spot for the show: “It was fun to see gay people on reality TV,” she says. So, she let Neal apply on their behalf. The rest is history — which you can watch unfold on season 2 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love on Netflix.
I spoke with Matloff about what it was like to get cast on the show, to be so vulnerable on camera, to watch what made (and didn’t make) the final edit, and more.
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This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
What did you hope to get out of the show when you signed up?
[Even after we applied,] I didn't think anything was going to happen. I didn't really take casting that seriously until it was getting towards the end. Honestly, I was going to say no and not do it, but I was at a weird place in my life. My best friend had just passed away. I wanted a distraction. This thing was basically falling in my lap where I could be somewhere else, not in my regular life for two months. People we knew also told us that they would love to see someone like us on TV, because there aren’t many queer dating shows.
Having watched season one, I didn't see a ton of people who looked like us as far as being a little bit more queer in our identities, not just our sexualities. I feel like I present very queer, and I definitely don't think we have a masc–femme relationship.
On these shows, there's often one couple that fills the role of the “stable” couple. I hate to use that word, but you two weren't a big drama source and I’m wondering if you were typecast in that role. What perception did you have of yourself and your relationship when you were watching it back?
I'm glad that came across to you, and I like hearing that. I'm totally fine with being that couple, but watching it, I was just like, “Oh, you don't really see any of our relationship.”
The concept of the show is so weird to me: a reality dating show with couples that are already together. It's so unhinged, the stakes are so much higher. As a viewer, it feels easier to weigh in on people meeting for the first time. Watching people get to know each other is so different, and I do think that's why they focus a lot on the first trial marriage. I don’t think most reality shows have figured out how to show scenes of people who have been in a relationship for a long time.
Every now and then we see a negative comment, like “this couple talks in circles in therapy talk.” In reality, we're not even like that. We're not in therapy. We should be, probably, after going on this show, but like, we just don't raise our voices that often. I think that's healthy. You can argue without yelling at each other. This type of show definitely rewards toxic behavior and emotional dysregulation. So, if you're not going to behave that way, and if you're not going to be super high emotion, they're just not going to air your scenes.
Did you ever actually get used to being vulnerable on camera?
I would say we got used to the cameras pretty quickly because we're being filmed almost every day. The first night, you can tell that we're both uncomfortable because they're right in your face. It's weird to be vulnerable with a bunch of strangers in the room with you. Watching myself, I see that [mine and Kyle’s] last night together seems uncomfortable because that was after the longest filming day. The night we met all of the other couples, they had us each sit in a separate car by ourselves, with no phone for at least three hours before we began meeting each other and filming. I was exhausted.
A lot of reality TV production is about making a different world for the contestants that feels really real to you, but to the viewer feels very much like a parallel universe. Netflix does it with terminology, like “The Choice” (the term for the night the contestants pick their first trial marriage partner) and “The Changeover” (the term for when they start their trial marriages with their original partner), and the over-the-top set design. How quickly did that become your real world?
Right after we left, we both felt like it was weird to have so much freedom and I think all of us had nightmares after that we were back having to do another trial marriage. But the producers definitely have to coach you to say things like “the changeover is tomorrow” because that stuff is not natural. They would also remind us to say that our partners that we came are our “exes” because we would all forget.
That, to me, is one of the weirdest aspects of the show. Calling the partner you came with your “ex” and calling yourself “single” feels like a weird technicality. Did you feel single?
No. I was never gonna go on there and be hooking up with somebody else. I was fully open to getting to know somebody else, but I just felt like I cared too much about the relationship I came in there with to want to complicate it and add issues. Had I met somebody who I could see myself with, I think that that would have been enough of an issue alone to think “maybe I shouldn't be with the person that I came with.” Not having experience with non-monogamy, I don't think I could have tried it for the first time there.
What feelings came up as you and Kyle were unpacking your first trial marriages together?
I love how kind Kyle is, and her ability to make people feel special and like she’s really listening to them — but the flip side of that is I worry about her people pleasing. I understand her perspective. I understand the fear of someone questioning your intentions for being there if you're not committing enough to the trial marriage. You're so isolated on the show, [aside from your trial marriage partner]. You don't really have anyone to bounce things off of. You only have your own instincts and your own gut.
It felt like you and Ashley created a friendly relationship during your time together, but initially the coupling felt kind of random. How did that come about?
We had a lot of really deep talks, and grew to love each other as people. We talked about so many things within our relationships and did what I thought we were supposed to do. It was crazy to not see any of that in the final edit.
There’s so much they don’t air. With Ashley, I just felt way more comfortable [than I did with other people I dated during the first week]. They just didn’t air any of my dates with Ashley. They also didn’t air my mom and brother coming out twice, either. They didn’t show me proposing to Kyle after she proposed to me. They could have edited together 15 different versions of that show with the footage that they had. They probably show 5 percent of the footage.
Do you still talk with anyone on the show?
Ashley and I talk, and we also have a group chat with everybody. We're all gonna see each other at a Netflix event soon. I'm on friendly terms with everybody.
What has your life looked like since filming and the show’s release?
Before the show came out, we couldn't post anything about it or being engaged on social media. We weren't walking saying “This is my fiancee” because that leads to follow up questions that we couldn't really answer. Now, I call her my fiancee and we live together.
Are you planning a wedding?
We both have an idea of what we want for a wedding, which is renting a big house for close family and friends for a weekend. I love the desert, so maybe Joshua Tree.
How else has your life changed? I saw your Instagram followers are blowing up.
I don't know what to do with it. I was not very active on social media before, so figuring that out has been a change for me, and I’m trying not to let that take over. I'll sell out for a little bit if I can make some money, but I'm going to do it my way. I'm always going to add my own sense of humor and make anything I do my own.
Would you ever do any other reality shows? If Survivor calls, are you answering?
Yes. I would do that, except I don't know that I would survive well. I'm not great in the elements.
If you liked this issue, it’s time to marry or move on! Tell us your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@lilly_milman | @melindafakuade | @tiw.newsletter), and share it with the person you’d give an ultimatum.
Loved this insight, thank you!
Loved this!!